It seemed like a better time than any to reminisce on my former fascination with blossoming rose, Lindsay Lohan. Written 3 years ago today:
Addressing the Lindsay Lohan Issue
If you know anything about me, you know that I have an obsessive fascination with Lindsay Lohan. When I’m not rambling on about reality, I am thinking about Lindsay Lohan. What is she doing right now? Is she having a smoke and wishing it was sprinkled with crack? Arguing with her publicist? Running a club manager over with her leased Ferrari? Is she looking at pictures of herself from 8 years ago and crying?
Lindsay Lohan is, hands down, the most compelling celebrity of our time. And by compelling I mean we’re as addicted to her as she is to fame.
Our fixation with celebrities is arguably the most palpable piece of evidence we have of humanity’s downfall. We watch these people, who we’ve deemed ‘stars’ because they stand in front of a camera and live a lie, go to the grocery store, stumble out of clubs, and leave the gym. We follow their relationship statuses and we take political advice from them because they, obviously, have a greater sense of what’s right. I know more about Taylor Swift’s love life than my best friend’s.
If celebrity magazines and TV shows devoted to capturing stars walking out of restaurants weren’t enough, we’ve even started giving filthy rich non-celebrities TV shows, thus making them celebrities. Once a week North America, no, the world, watches Kim Kardashian ugly cry because she’s exhausted and ‘over’ going from one photo-shoot to another everyday of her life. If I had the power to send one person to live in isolation with chimps, it would be Kim Kardashian. But I would never do that. Because a camera crew and a 50 million dollar deal would follow her every step of the way. I know better.
While you were reading about the Jolie-Pitt’s parenting techniques, your baby threw the sugar cereal you put in front of it for breakfast across the room, fell off it’s high chair and into a black hole where it will be raised by television for the rest of it’s life. Ice T and Coco will host it’s favourite children’s learning show because you know damn well those implants and extensions are not going to pay for themselves. Everybody’s got to make a living, right? Right?
Anyway, reality stars are pseudo-celebrities and I do not care nor have time for them. Back to the real star, Lindsay Lohan. She defines everything. She represents exactly why Hollywood works and why fame exists. She’s a decaying flower of glory and with every stunt she pulls she reminds us that although she’s a class-A whack job with not much hope for a future, we’re the real losers in all of this.
Every time Lindsay Lohan gets arrested I begin to internally argue with myself. I catch myself caring and I begin to question my life. She deserves to go to jail, probably hell, but she will never, ever go to jail. She, however, will eventually go to Hell. Lindsay Lohan is a human shield against punishment. She could be shooting a scene of her shitty straight-to-DVD film and murder her co-star in front of the whole crew and get away with it. She could rail a line off the judge’s ass in the middle of a hearing and just get probation. Does Lindsay Lohan use the law of attraction? Or is she superhuman? Either way, justice is Lindsay Lohan’s bitch. Which is exactly why Lindsay Lohan is amazing. She epitomizes everything that is wrong with celebrity and she has fucked herself over so many times I’ve lost count, but it’s working. We care about her. We’re so mad at her, but we care. And this right here is what motivates me to become a better human being, to rise above caring about celebrities. Will I?
Lindsay Lohan is trying to prove a point. No she’s not, but we’ll say she is. Her life mission is to keep us fixated on her until we realize that we’re the ones that paid for all of her drugs. You make 9 dollars an hour but will go see a reasonably shitty 15 dollar movie and buy a 6 dollar magazine full of make-up-less celebrities at their downfall. She made 200,000 grand off that upskirt photo, and she probably snorted all of it.
Let Lindsay teach you a lesson. She will party until her world ends because she knows no other way, and this is how we accept her. She has taught me to look beyond the image of celebrity and look into the sad, sad reality of it. She has brought some wisdom into my life and for that reason she will be the only star I ever follow.
Lindsay, I love you. Never get your act together because that’s when I’ll start forgetting about you. Keep failing, keep doing you, because that’s what you do best.